not (eh-hem), out of any sense of noble purpose or action. Nothing so pure!
*rummages, just to be sure…*
actually, it’s because i am utterly helpless to do otherwise, given the nature of the paradox. I mean, the math just cracks me up!
and i understand that i may be alone in appreciating that. But you can’t see me, contorting like silly-putty, trying to find something other than love, in a universe that is defined as consisting of The Unnameable God, which IS Love, and which is Everywhere and knows Everything. At least as defined by the pablum christianity that wantonly exposed itself to me from every dank street-corner of my childhood.
my nascent understanding, after many hours of vastly uninstructed noodling, was that every question seemed to point back to no answer at all. For if something is everything, there is no place to compare this to that. You have to divide it for the mind to be able to work on it. To work the mojo of Words.
puzzling! So any way i twisted and turned that jewel, i came to the same place – a bottleneck that the mind could not seem to negotiate. Because no matter what the question, the answer required wrapping my mind around an Infinite Whole.
which i found to be a sufficiently daunting thing. Quite impossible to manage, through mental device or shenanigan! Of course, it has taken a lifetime so far, to tease THAT from its gordian loops. And i reckon i still have some teasing to go ;-)
infinity is so damned big!
so this life has been an experiment in all the ways of working the strand of an unnameable God, wound into an ineffable Love, through my understanding of a confusingly cruel and divided world. And working it INTO the world, through the often cross-cut currents of the many submerged and contradictory identifications in my calicoed litter of selves.
well – life has certainly a study in the goodly number of ways THAT doesn’t work! Lordy, i could write a book… ha!
that’s one of the reasons that i love Life SO much: Her irrepressible abundance. If i notice myself seeing scarcity, i’ve learned to spin the periscope, for i’m simply not looking in the right direction.
truly, it’s a Very Cool little vehicle we’ve got, here!
of course, if i have to spin the periscope, it’s rarely toward what i actually WANT to see. Otherwise i would already be seeing it. Periscopes are funny like that. Magical. They always look right at what they expect to see ;-)
So prior to my arrival, an invisible hand on an invisible tiller deftly turns my fog-beams away from anything that might even remotely disturb my preferred orientation. The orientation dictated by my deeper substructures of heuristic.
it’s quite the sleight-of-hand-of-the-mind, that flicks me away from the nonsensical truth. Which ironically would explain things FAR better than anything my paltry imagination could conjure. But it is the failure of the imagination that shocks the mind into a new default — hopefully one with a straighter line-of-sight to the stars i WANT to follow!
does anyone out there feel my pain? LOL. I hope so! — because i don’t want to be cracking myself up here for nothing!